Engage’s VP of Love, Trish McDermott popped up on CNN last week to chime in on the mixed messages people receive when dating. It seems guys are confused about the signals women are sending in relationships. Says Trish:
“For all the communicating singles are now doing using the plethora of social media available to them, men and women still aren’t necessarily hearing each other. Most men still think they should pay for the first date, but most women don’t agree. On the other hand, women still expect gentlemanly courtesies such as having the door held open for them.”
Trish’s commentary helps men decode the signals. Of course, as our VP of Love, we think Trish is always fabulously insightful when it comes to the dating game. Her advice also illustrates why it’s so important to get a reality check from your friends when you’re dating. What if someone is really into you but you’re missing the signals?
When in doubt, ask a friend for their read on the situation and you might discover that the super cute and sassy object of your affection is totes reciprocating your interest — but you’re just so wrapped up in disbelief that you’re missing the super obvs cues. Or you could just subject yourself to a life of unanswered questions about “What might’ve been.” But where’s the fun in that?
“Oh Canada!” Our very own VP of Love, Trish McDermott popped up on Calgary Today with Mike Blanchard. Download the show from SendSpace and listen to Trish’s expert opinion on the state of online dating and relationships. Pretty savvy, eh?
Jennifer Chowdhury, over at SheKnows, interviewed me last week for a piece about how Engage is borrowing from social networking practices to build a next-generation social dating community. Check it out.
Meanwhile, over at More, Sherry Amatenstein mentioned Engage in a piece looking at how children of single moms can get involved, or too involved depending on your perspective, in their mom’s dating lives.
Finally, at Reuters Blogs, Belinda Goldsmith posted about the Engage Sex and the City research.
We surveyed more than 250 single adults last week to understand more about how HBO’s Sex and the City influenced dating. Here’s what we learned:
77 percent of singles consider themselves a fan of Sex and the City.51percent say they are a big fan.Women were more likely than men to say they are a fan.
52 percent of singles say Sex and the City influenced their dating life.12 percent said it was a negative influence (men were more likely than women to say the influence was negative) and 40 percent said it was a positive influence (women were more likely than men to say the influence was positive).
43 percent plan to see the movie.37 percent will wait for the DVD. 20 percent won’t see.Women were more than twice as likely as men to say they will go see the movie.
80 percent of singles believe Sex and the City made it more acceptable for women to have fun dating and worry less about finding a committed relationship.Women were more likely than men to believe this.
43 percent of singles believe Sex and the City made it more acceptable for women to be unfaithful in their romantic relationships.Men were more likely than women to believe this.
59 percent say that Sex and the City reminded them how much they rely on their friends for dating advice and perspective.Women were more likely than men to say this.
50 percent believe that women who are big Sex and the City fans are more likely to have sex on a first date.Men were more likely than women to believe this.
51 percent agree with this statement made by Sex and the City character, Samantha Jones:“Who we are in bed is who we are in life.I’ve never met a man who was bad in bed who was good at life.”Men were more likely than women to agree with this statement.
Biggest complaints about the Sex and the City movie (note respondents were able to select all answers that apply):
There was too much emphasis on being beautiful on the outside and not enough on being beautiful on the inside(25%) (This was women’s biggest complaint)
Single women became too much like single men (24%)
Women no longer wanted to commit to the right man when he came along (23%)
Men suddenly expected all single women to want to have sex without any commitment (22%)
It promoted promiscuity (21%)
It wasn’t realistic and didn’t speak to my dating experiences (20%)
The emotional needs of single men were trivialized (20%) (This was men’s biggest complaint)
36 percent said they borrowed ideas from Sex and the City and used them in their dating life.Women were more likely than men to say this.
Single women most strongly identify with Sex and the City character Carrie Bradshaw, followed by Charlotte York and then Samantha Jones. Women were the least likely to say they identify with character Miranda Hobbes.
55 percent of single women said Sex and the City influenced them to date more like men date.
44 percent of single women wish they could be Carrie Bradshaw for one day.35 percent wish they could be Samantha Jones for one day.11percent wish they could be Miranda Hobbes for one day and 11 percent wish they could be Charlotte York for one day.
86 percent of single women said they socialize with other women friends around sex, romance and dating issues, much like the Sex and the City characters did.51 percent say they commonly do this.
70 percent of single women say Sex and the City did not influence their shoe purchases.14 percent say they purchased more shoes as a result of watching the HBO series, and 16 percent say they purchased more expensive or better quality shoes as a result.
Some might say that it’s more likely that Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Mirandawill end up being each other’s “soulmates” in life than it is that any man will be their “soulmate.” When women were asked about the role a “soulmate” will play in their own lives:
39 percent said they already had or would end up with one (or several) women friends as their “soulmate” in life instead of a man.
When men were asked about their beliefs about Sex and the City (and allowed to select more than one answer):
29 percent enjoyed it
25 percent say they learned a thing or two about dating women by watching
24 percent said it didn’t reflect their lives, or the lives of women they dated
24 percent said it gave them an inside look at what women actually do when they get together—talk about men
19 percent said it made it a lot easier to get women to sleep with them
19 percent said it changed dating, as it gave women permission to play the field
17 percent said it made it a lot more challenged to find a single woman who was seeking a lasting, committed relationship
When HBO’s Sex and the City first aired, back when I was VP of Romance and resident dating expert for Match.com, two dating cultural shifts quickly emerged.
Single men, generally from urban dating markets, began to complain to me that single women had become not only like men in their attitudes about sex and commitment, but actually worse than men.Men who hoped to form a lasting relationship with one special woman felt that almost overnight single women became a lot less interested in commitment, as social license to play the field and focus their dating energy on having fun in the here and now had suddenly been granted.
SATC didn’t reflect most single women’s dating lives as much as it influenced them.For better or worse, women began to liken themselves to SATC characters in their online dating profiles, describing themselves as “Carrie Bradshaw like” seeking their own Mr. Big, or in a “Samantha Jones period” in their current approach to dating.Even a very young Lindsay Lohan suggested that the Sex girls had influenced her to play the field and play around.
SATC, along with the introduction of dating reality shows like ABC’s The Bachelor, also began to socialize dating.Suddenly everyone was talking about the dating choicesothers make and learning vicariously through them.Was it OK to break up via post-it note?How young of a man can a somewhat older woman get away with dating?Who was really right for someone and by what criteria?We hired Alex Michel, ABC’s original Bachelor, and took these sometimes heated conversations about dating on the road.It was an eye-opening experience, as dating choices became mainstream conversations in the workplace, among family and neighbors, at parties and at every event I attended with Alex.We were all dating voyeurs.
The SATC phenomenon ultimately led me to leave Match and help launch Engage.We built a social dating community at Engage where singles invite friends to help them make romantic connections throughsuggestions, voting on possible dates, setting up introductions and post-date debriefings, much as the Sex girls have done over all these years.Even if most of us can’t afford a pair of Manolos, all of us can benefit from the dating advice and insight of our best friends.
Aly Walansky wrote more about my SATC experience in her SheKnows blog.Vote on whether or not you think SATC had a negative influence on women’s lives over at PopSugar.
For inside news and thoughtful commentary about the online dating industry, we love to read the Online Dating Insider. That’s why we were excited to sit down for a Cupidcast interview as part of Online Dating Insider’s weekly podcast.
Have a listen to Suneet Wadhwa, CEO and co-founder of Engage, and Trish McDermott, our VP of Love, as they discuss social dating and Engage’s way of bringing singles together through their social connections.
April 10th was the night of our big debut at the “Geek Goes Chic” party we co-hosted with TechCrunch and PopSugar, at the Vanguard in Hollywood. But we weren’t just there to be social butterflies, dear readers!
We were on a mission to introduce the world to the new Engage. Plus, we hoped to help some genial geeks connect with the chic social mavens of their dreams. And vice-versa. (Turns out hotties dream about geeks as great relationship material. Our recent Romancing the Geek survey showed that 82% of women and 72% of men were into geeks — and would even choose silicon valley entrepreneurs over hollywood stars as potential mates!)
Whether you considered yourself a Geek, part of the Chic, or just aren’t into labels, there was something for everyone at this gathering. And Engage staffers were on the loose to Play Matchmaker™ with members of the crowd, bringing people together in the real world the way we do online.
Here’s a clip of TechCrunch blogger Michael Arrington interviewing our very own VP of Love Trish McDermott and our CEO Suneet Wadhwa. Don’t they look glam in white?
You can also check out our flickr stream for photos from the event. See if you can spot the Engage staffers as they demo Engage and fix up people in the crowd.
As a member of Princess Cruise’s Romance Department, today I helped crown father of four and minister Phil Roberts, of Lexington, KY as the “Greatest Romantic” contest winner. The Romance Department at Princess, also including intimacy expert, Dr. Ruth Westheimer; ABC’s original “Bachelor,” Alex Michel; actor Gavin MacLeod (he played Captain Stubing on “The Love Boat) and destination wedding expert Lisa Light, nominated the five most romantic videos from the more than one hundred videos submitted in the contest. More than eight thousand members of the public then selected Mr. Roberts in a final vote.
Check out his winning video. It’s a story, in the form of a poem recited by his three-year-old daughter, about an everyday man who understands how to sweep a woman off her feet in a lovingly spectacular manner. While he certainly knows how to pull off a perfect wedding proposal, I nominated Roberts because his romantic nature has stood the test of both time and tragedy in his ten-year relationship. That’s the kind of romance that makes me swoon.
Most of our love lives are not the makings of a major motion pictures, nor are they fodder for a romance novel. They are ordinary, sometimes difficult, often surprising and occasionally hilarious moments pieced lovingly together by acts of generosity, compassion, insight, kindness and inspiration. While larger-than-life romantic extravaganzas are the memorable love stories many of us will one day pass on to our children, everyday romance is the glue that keeps a couple together.
What is everyday romance? Whatever you and your partner need it to be. Sometimes romance is a smile to break through a relationship’s momentary challenges that might otherwise get us all hung up. It’s an unexpected gift when there is no occasion. It’s a public pledge of love, made to a group of people, as in: “This is the woman I love.” It’s an extra few moments in bed, a longer-than-usual kiss goodbye or a slightly seductive note slipped into his briefcase.
Whether you are dating or happily taken, small acts of romance should be part of your everyday life. Check out Susan Mernit’s blog, Finding Acts of Love that Really Matter. Along with romantic poems you can read to your love and funny DVD’s the two of you can enjoy together, she shares romantic ideas that can help make all of us great romantics, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.
Even romance experts have to remember to practice romance in their own love lives, so I’m off to buy a gift for no particular reason.
April 10th is our big night out! We’ll be at the Vanguard in Hollywood for “Geek Goes Chic,” a party we’re throwing with the technology bloggers at TechCrunch and the celebrity gossip mavens at PopSugar.
We’ll be showing off the brand new Engage service that we unveiled this week. Have you tried it?
Plus, Alex Michel, the first bachelor from ABC’s “The Bachelor,” and our very own VP of Love, Trish McDermott, will be on hand to help connect the Geeks to the Chic at the event.
Our recent “Romancing the Geek” survey shows that Geeks might inherit the Earth after all, at least in the romantic department. Our survey showed that 82% of people are open to dating a “Geek”, and 72% said they’d be happier in a marriage with a famous Silicon Valley geek than a Hollywood celebrity. Great news for you smart and technology-savvy types!
They’re talking about arranged marriages and matchmaking over at the Huffington Post right now. Wondering if everything old is new again. If we’ve truly gone full cycle, does that mean we’ll see a revival of arranged marriages in our romantic futures? Probably not.
Arranged marriages are a parental pastime in some cultures and often were a financial and familial necessity, especially when women had little or no earning power or financial holdings, not to mention choice. Women today are ready, willing and we would like to thing reasonably able to make good dating choices without mom’s help.
Engage surveyed more than 800 single adults back in 2005 to learn more about the role matchmaking (and romantic meddling) played in their dating lives. Singles mentioned friends, and then mothers, as the two people most likely to want to meddle in their love lives. They resoundingly felt that friends make the best matchmakers and that mothers make the worst. Moms have relationship and marriage agendas that often aren’t aligned with what their children are actually seeking. That’s why every women in America over age 35 isn’t married to a doctor.
Internet “scientists,” convinced arranging marriages may in fact be a scalable enterprise, are peddling their magic compatibility elixirs to singles on leading dating sites today. Singles are matched based on analysis of a personality questionnaire, but ultimately someone decides: Can opposites attract? Do they introduce you to the type of person you are seeking, or the type of person they believe is right for you? What would your mother do?
Look at happy couples you know. How many had to pass a 200-question test to qualify to say “hello” to each other? What you’re likely to find is what we found in our research–half of all marriages are the result of someone first introducing the couple, but that someone was almost never a scientist, compatibility expert or marriage arranger.
Your friends know sides of you your mother never sees and that no “compatibility expert” can cull from a questionnaire. At Engage, you won’t find us behind the scenes arranging your love life. We never presume to know who is right for you. We simply trust that you, your friends and your community will have a lot of fun socializing on the site as you figure it all out.
Here’s hoping your friends find you a find and catch you a catch.
