Have You Thanked Your Matchmaker Lately?

Fourteen days to Valentine’s Day, and right about this time happy, and not-so-happy, couples, are navigating a media blitzkrieg of rose and champagne reminders of what love and happily-ever-after are supposed to be all about—namely diamonds, if you believe what you see on TV.

Singles, on the other hand, are doing their best to ignore the global mating call to action—the corporately-manufactured drive to fill that empty spot and cross over to the land of the happily-coupled with their future special someone. Someone whom they actually have yet to meet, but should be fully prepared to shop for, all in a matter of days.

At its worst, Valentine’s Day is an unavoidable reminder of the love we may be missing in our lives, or an unhappy obligation to purchase a little peace in our life with our partner. We get it all wrong when we let dollars be the currency of our commitment to each other.

At its best, Valentine’s Day is about small gestures and thoughtful acknowledgments that say, “None of us are in this alone. And all of us are better by virtue of the people who love us, and the people we love.” We get it right when we reach out and connect with these people, even when they aren’t romantic partners.

February 13th is “Thank Your Matchmaker Day”

Look behind half of all couples celebrating Valentine’s Day this year and you’ll find a friend who in some way nudged, cajoled, or meddled (and I mean that in the best possible way) to help that happy couple find each other. Yes, half of all marriages in the United States are the result of someone playing matchmaker for the couple, according to Engage research of more than 1,000 married adults.

As I write this, many thousands of people are using Engage to help their single friends connect with other eligible singles. Friends play matchmaker on Engage, and in the real world, not because they are paid to do so, but because it’s fun and because they care. Matchmakers are the unrecognized masterminds of great dates, love affairs, and marriages. Yet when was the last time any of us took a minute to say “Thanks!”?

Engage first declared February 13, 2006 “Thank Your Matchmaker Day,” in an effort to honor these behind-the-scenes heroes of love. Before any of us celebrate Valentine’s Day, let’s take a moment to thank the intrepid matchmakers who have helped us find love already or who are committed to helping us connect with someone special soon.

While many of us will be thanking female BFFs, sisters, and mothers on February 13th, more and more, men are stepping up to help make love a reality for their friends. On Engage, half of all people playing matchmaker are men—something even we didn’t expect when were building the site.

Famous Couples and the Men Who Played Matchmaker For Them

Joe Simpson, reported to have persuaded Jessica Simpson to dump Nick Lachey two years ago, played matchmaker this year when he introduced his daughter to Dallas Cowboy, Tony Romo. For everyone other than some Cowboys fans, the relationship seems to be working.

Seems like Jessica and Tony are happy they met!

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones should take time on February 13th to thank Antonio Banderas, who introduced the two at a dinner he gave.

Rosie O’Donnell’s brother Daniel O’Donnell deserves kudos for introducing his sister to her life partner, Kelli Carpenter.

Rosie and Kelly met when Rosie’s brother played matchmaker.

Christina Aguilera was introduced to her husband, Jordan Bratman, by her manager, Irving Azoff. Now they have a new baby boy to think Irv for, too!

Christina Aguilera met her hubby through a friend’s introduction.

The Hard Knocks School of Matchmaking

In Chinese, the character that represents “matchmaker” happens to also be a homonym for “bad luck.” That may be one reason why not all matchmaking stories have happy endings — especially for the matchmaker. One professional matchmaker in China was sued when he denied his client’s request for an “Ugly Girl Refund”. The courts eventually ruled that the matchmaker had to return half of the fee he had collected from his client’s mother.

An old custom in China had brides crying and yelling during their weddings. Apparently the idea was to make false claims of grievances and sorrows, which would in turn guarantee marital bliss. But sometimes, the grievances and sorrows were actually true. Some brides publicly cried about and cursed their matchmakers, during their weddings, especially when they had little say in their choice of groom.

Every tear shed over an unfortunate match can be trumped by a true love story, inspired by a friend’s human intuition and gut feelings about how two people just might pair up. Although NY Times reporter John Tierney wrote this week about the “algorithms of love” social scientists are peddling on some leading dating sites, it shouldn’t take an advanced degree or fancy mathematics to sense that two people might be right for each other, or to do a good deed. Tierney would like to hear your online matchmaking success story.

We’d prefer to watch you thank the matchmakers in your life. Just add your video to our collection of “thank you” messages on our Thank Your Matchmaker YouTube group. While you’re at it, pay you matchmaker’s good deeds forward by playing matchmaker for singles you know. You might forever change two lives.

On a personal note: Marion, thanks for helping me find the love of my life. I promise you’ll never hear me cry, complain, or swear about that!

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

I caught Carson Kressley on the first episode of Lifetime TV’s “How to Look Good Naked” last week, a day after I spent $385 at Nordstrom’s buying lingerie that will never leave my panty drawer, unless we have another power outage. Like most women, I have my lingerie issues. Unlike most women, lingerie was actually underneath my career success.

Most of what I eventually learned about dating and romance was first inspired during my time running the returns department for the Victoria Secret catalog, in the days before it was acquired by The Limited. Women commonly returned lingerie with personal notes to “Victoria,” confiding intimate, and sometimes demoralizing details of their faltering marriages and the role they had hoped a baby doll, or cami set, might have played in bringing back their man.

“Victoria” was actually me, Trish McDermott, an early-twenties student and political activist who took the Victoria’s Secret job because her boss promised her time off to get arrested at political demonstrations, thereby somehow bettering, or possibly even saving, the world. I had a plan for saving the world, but was clueless about saving a marriage, especially one that was impervious to something soft and silky. Not all lingerie returns had happy endings.

I learned one very important lesson at the panty factory: It’s your choice of partner, and not your choice of panty, that ultimately makes your marriage work.

Carson Kressley was on again last night, with another less-than-perfect-in-panties woman in need of his “perception revolution,” which includes projecting a four-story-tall image of her, clad only in a bra and underwear, on a building somewhere in downtown Santa Monica. I’m an ardent supporter of any revolution that takes place in our underwear, partly because as a peace activist, I’m reassured by the fact that it’s hard to carry concealed weapons in our panty bands.

Of course, not everyone wants to participate in Carson’s revolution. The National Action Against Obesity chose to keep all of us less- than-perfect women in our perceived place with a press release attacking “How to Look Good Naked” (Credit and thanks to Chubby Mommy, where I first found this release discussed). The release included this comment:

“When we observe obesity, we’re seeing the effects of self-abuse. To end self-loathing, one must stop self-induced abuse. It’s a change in behavior, not a change in word choice — like calling the evidence of abuse beautiful. It’s no more logical to compliment the aesthetics of obesity than the beauty of cigarette-stained teeth or track marks on a junkie’s arm,” said NAAO President MeMe Roth.

What riles them up is that “How to Look Good Naked” isn’t telling women to lose fifty pounds and get a personal trainer before they get naked, given what they call the “dangerous denial of compromised health due to obesity”. Instead, Carson wants women to shed all of our layers—clothing, of course, but also shame, guilt and the constant comparison we make between our bodies and those of fashion models, or women twenty years younger than ourselves—to see that we are each beautiful in many ways, and certainly deserving of love and happiness, even with cottage cheese thighs.

Sometimes single people see themselves as a sum of their flaws. Perhaps they are overweight, or bald, or underemployed, or too tall, or too short, or too much of, or not enough of something they think they must be in order to be loved. It isn’t true. What is true is what I heard Carson say to this week’s guest: “There’s so much good here that we can work with.”

Here’s to seeing you all naked – at least metaphorically.
Me? I’m off to purchase a light dimmer.

Trish

Participating in life makes you a lot sexier than sitting on the sidelines. I’m attracted to people who are empowered and believe in their own ability to influence change and make things happen. Aren’t you? Did you know you’re four times more likely to attract a potential romantic partner simply by registering to vote? This is based on today’s running tally of Engage’s “Love, Romance, and Politics” survey.

We’ll keep the survey open and see what happens, so please take a few minutes to weigh in with your own thoughts. With a little over 600 responses so far, here are some early survey findings:

Sexiest Candidate: Single Democrats see Hillary Rodham Clinton as the sexiest candidate, followed by John Edwards. Single Republicans give Mitt Romney the Mr. Sexy title, followed by Clinton (more men than women have taken the survey so far, which may explain this Republican defection to Clinton…or maybe her recent tears made her more vulnerable and appealing, and Republican men just can’t help themselves). Single Independents chose Clinton as sexiest, followed by Edwards, and Single Libertarians and Greens both find Clinton the sexiest, with Obama running second.

Party Attraction Factor: Single Democrats are most attracted to a sexy and honest potential romantic partner, while Single Republicans are most attracted to a single person who is honest and smart. Will these dating selection biases influence their presidential choices? Single Libertarians like their romantic partners smart and good looking, and Single Greens prefer honest and sexy partners.

Single Republicans are more likely than single Democrats to say they would cross party lines to date. Of course, as James Carville once told me during the 2004 campaign when I announced a survey with similar results, maybe this is because single Democrats don’t like the dating prospects on the Republican side. Leaving political affiliation aside, men think Clinton will be the best kisser of the candidates, while women, ever hopeful, seem to prefer Obama for a snog.

While most of the survey is just for fun, and I’ll share more with you soon, we’re serious about getting out the single vote.

Only 43% of single men voted in 2004, while 52% of single women did so, according to Margie Omero. Both groups were out-voted by their married counterparts. Single women, who traditionally vote Democratic, have been annoyingly dubbed the “Single Anxious Woman” voting block, so pundits and pollsters can speak about the influence, apparently perceived to be significant, they may wield in the upcoming presidential election. If they vote, that is.

“Want a sure-fire way to keep women away from the polls? How about calling large groups of them ’single and anxious?’” writes Huffington Post blogger Morra Aarons-Mele.

According to the Engage survey, if the presidential election was held today:

40% of single Democrats would vote for Clinton, 25% for Obama, and 18% for John Edwards. With single Republicans, Huckabee, Guliani, and McCain are in a three-way tie for first place, each getting just over 19% of the vote.

However you plan to vote, your single voice must be heard. It’s good for your love life, and it’s good for our American way of life. Here are three ways you can easily get Engaged in the presidential election:

1. Register to vote. Check out Project Vote Smart to learn how voter registration works in your state.

2. Take Engage’s “Love, Politics, and Romance” survey:

3. Volunteer to work for the sexy, or not so sexy, candidate of your choice:

Hillary Rodham Clinton

John Edwards

Rudy Giuliani

Mike Huckabee

Dennis Kucinich

John McCain

Barack Obama

Ron Paul

Mitt Romney

Fred Thompson

Peace, love, and good politics.

Trish McDermott

VP of Love, Engage.com