Fifty-seven men were arrested for dancing to pop music and flirting with women in front of a shopping mall in Saudi Arabia’s holy city of Mecca last Thursday, behavior that is apparently against Islamic law, as reported at msnbc.com. Meanwhile, presidential hopeful John McCain is in political recovery mode after the New York Times reported on speculation about a friendship with a female lobbyist that PresidentPicker blogger called:

…flirtatious but probably not scandalous.

Over in the United Kingdom The Telegraph, in a story titled, “How Facebook flirting could lead to divorce,” reported that:

Flirtatious emails and other saucy messages sent via the sites are expected to be used as evidence of “unreasonable behaviour”, legitimate grounds for divorce.

Career coach, Cynthia Shapiro, gives this warning on office trysts over at collegerecruiter.com:

No Flirting. Dating a fellow employee is your private business and should not be obvious. Please resist the temptation to send ooglie, smoochy emails…

What’s wrong with ooglie, smoochy emails? Aren’t they one of the things–along with breathy, seductive voicemails, warm, fuzzy text messages and deliriously giddy Facebook references–that great romances are made of today?

While doing research for the Engage 2008 State of the Date report we learned that only 38 percent of singles reported using flirting last year as a way to advance their romantic objectives. Apparently 2007 was not a very ooglie, smoochy year. Five percent of singles said lack of flirting was their biggest complaint about the people they dated in 2007.

Fear of flirting is thwarting our national romantic progress. While 57 men sit in a cell in Saudi Arabia, accused of having a little fun expressing their romantic attraction, singles in the United States are prisoners in a social cell of their own making, afraid to break out, take a romantic risk, tease someone, smile, banter a bit or make just enough eye contact to say “Hey, I’m interested.”

Not all flirting is good flirting, as John McCain is probably now realizing. Lobbyists and divorce proceedings aside, it is still good to flirt. Good for you and your love life, and good for the world, which can always use a little more love and affection.

Winks for everyone.

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

Valentine’s week is always a lot of fun, and occasionally full of surprises, when you work for a social dating site. Here’s a recap of the last few days at Engage.

We Rode the Love Train

I suppose we could have been in the office working on Valentine’s morning, but where is the love in that? Instead, we took a team of Engage staff and friends, grabbed a musician armed with a few hundred love songs and headed down to the Montgomery BART station to romance some unsuspecting commuters.

We gave away just under 3,000 roses in 90 minutes and shared a little love with a lot of San Franciscans. One of them was the rather handsome Michael Singer, from InformationWeek, who was apparently feeling so much love for us that he went right to the office and posted about his Engage Love Train encounter. Of course, not everyone was feeling all warm and fuzzy about the love train, especially not Andy Wright in his post at SFWeekly.com going to throw a lot of love his way this year, and we’ll see if he comes around for next February 14th.

Just about everyone in the BART station was smiling, and a few commuters were even singing along to their favorite love song. Watch the CBS news video and feel the love for yourself.

Engage Research Made the News

Valentine’s week is always a busy press time around here. Jen Saranow at the Wall Street Journal worked with us for her “The Cut-and-Paste Personality,” piece about singles plagiarizing each other’s dating profiles. Jennifer says that a recent search at that other dating site that I helped start and run for ten years:

…brought up more than 90 profiles with such lines as: “I want an opposite. A yin to my yang,” or “You know that woman who is the first person on the dance floor at every party? That’s me.” They weren’t even from real people. They were cribbed from sample profiles posted online at E-Cyrano.com (www.e-cyrano.com) by dating coach and profile writer Evan Marc Katz. “It just seems so short-sighted,” says Mr. Katz, of Los Angeles. “Everybody steals the same lines so they are not original anymore.”

Jennifer included this Engage research in her piece:

In a recent survey of more than 400 online daters commissioned by Engage.com, 9% of respondents said they copied from another person’s profile; 15% suspect their own words were stolen.

Isn’t stealing someone else’s profile text scraping the bottom of the barrel for insight into who we are, why someone might be attracted to us, and what we’re looking for in a partner? Apparently not everyone thinks so. Meanwhile, over at the Chicago Tribune, technology writer Wailin Wong looked at the growing confusion regarding how we should use technology and social networks in our romantic lives:

In simpler times, a high school ring was all it took to signal the start of a relationship. And when the breakup came, who would know or care if one tucked away a few mementos?

All that has changed in the digital era, in which millions of people chronicle the real-time, intimate details of their lives on social networking Web sites like Facebook.com. Dating may be no more or less complex than ever, but because gossip about who’s got a new boyfriend or girlfriend — and who just lost one — now travels instantaneously to a large network of contacts, a new relationship minefield has emerged.

Wailin used some new Engage research in her story “What’s Your Status? Relationships Revealed Online.”

McDermott’s advice is to remember that relationships involve people, not machines. Strange as that sounds, Engage.com conducted a survey of more than 600 single adults in the U.S. and found 21 percent said it was OK to say “I love you” for the first time in an e-mail or text message. Only 12 percent said it was acceptable to break up electronically.

Valentine’s Surprises

Over at About.com’s Weird News Buck Wolf reported that:

In Kansas, a woman carrying flowers and a box of candy walked into a bank and told the teller that the box contained a bomb. She demanded an undisclosed sum, and after she left, x-rays shows the chocolates contained nothing more dangerous than nougat.

Buck also mentioned that 8 million Americans probably sent themselves Valentine’s presents this year. If we had known, we would have given them a rose!

Hugs, kisses and warm romantic wishes this love week from all of us…
Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

Valentine’s Week 2008

Welcome!
It’s Love Week once again. That means close to one billion printed Valentine’s cards will be exchanged. The chocolate industry will have its two biggest days of sales on February 13th and 14th. Consumers will spend an estimated $17 billion celebrating Valentine’s Day with sweet, endearing—and sometimes rather expensive—professions of their love.

What is the Engage State of the Date Report?
Each year during Valentine’s Week, Engage will issue this “State of the Date” report, which details what it’s really like to be single on Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year. This year’s report is the result of analysis of a thirty-seven question survey, administered to a random sample of more than six hundred single adults living in the United States in January 2008. This was not a sample of Engage members, although many singles in the sample group are users of either online dating services or social networks, or both.

In some instances, we’ve included a trend analysis, comparing this year’s data to data from identical questions asked in Engage surveys in prior years. Some results have been cross tabulated with other data points, so we can break out male vs. female responses, or behavioral trends based on age ranges. If you are looking for a data point that isn’t presented in this report, please contact us. We have more data than we’ve presented, and we’re happy to share it.

Because Engage is the Internet’s first social dating community, where friends help their single friends connect and find love, we asked a lot of questions about the roles that technology, online dating, friends and social networking play in our love lives. So: read on. Maybe 2008 will be your year to make a meaningful connection or Play Matchmaker^TM or simply enjoy watching love blossom. It’s all good!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xoxo,

Trish McDermott

Vice President of Love, Engage

What it’s really like to be single in 2008

The Dating Scene
So: what’s it like out there? Possibly boring. Or a bit less fun than married folks may nostalgically remember. In fact, more than half of all singles may not have dated even once in the last six months.

Twenty-two percent of singles can’t remember the last time they went on a date. Another 22 percent went dateless in 2007.

Whether they’ve dated or not in the past year, “confusing,” might be the word that best sums up single life today. For all the “communicating” singles are now doing using the plethora of social media available to them, men and women still aren’t necessarily hearing each other. Most men still think they should pay for the first date, but most women don’t agree. On the other hand, women still expect gentlemanly courtesies such as having the door held open for them.

Fifty-four percent of women think a couple should either go Dutch on a first date, or that the person who initiated the date should pay.

Women are likely to still want a man to demonstrate that he is a gentleman on a date. Fewer men agree that this is a role they should take on a date.

More than half of all women surveyed felt a man should pick the venue for a first date and do the driving. Only 8% of women felt a man should bring a gift on a first date. Women were twice as likely as men to say a man should initiate the first kiss. While twenty-six percent of women felt men should “talk more” on a first date, seventeen percent of men thought men should actually “talk less” on a first date.

Given those mixed social messages, it may not be surprising that honesty also isn’t always the policy in dating today. More than one in four singles think it’s acceptable to tell “little white lies” when dating online. Unfortunately, we’re hearing from singles that the lack of social consequences for dishonesty on most first-generation dating sites has led to inauthentic profiles and some awkwardly awful first dates.

Men are more likely than women to believe “little white lies” have a place in online dating.

Many singles share with us that they are annoyed by the number of married people using social networks and online dating sites to cheat on their spouses.

More than a quarter of singles say a married person contacted them on an online dating service or social network for dating purposes.

Relationship status is not necessarily a barrier to romantic indiscretions. Some singles knowingly dated people last year that most of us would consider “off limits.”

Eleven percent of single men, and the same percentage of single women, admitted to dating someone who was married or in a committed relationship last year.

In spite of the confusion and uncertainty that is part of dating today, singles just keep on keeping on. After all, what other choice do they have? Read on to learn about how singles will continue to hold out hope that they will find love, commit to mastering the dating protocols of new technologies, personally better themselves, and ask for a little friendly intervention in their search for someone special in 2008.

Singles and their search for love in 2008
While almost three quarters of singles are interested in finding love and marriage in the next five years, fewer singles are seeking love and marriage this year than they were in 2006.

Most singles (68%) report they are interested in falling in love and getting married in the next five years. Younger singles (ages 18 – 39) were the most likely to say they were “Extremely interested,” while older singles, (age 50 and above) were the most likely to say they were “Not at all interested.”

Fewer singles report they are interested in love and marriage this year than they did in 2006.

Whether they want to fall in love or not, just under a third of singles report they are not optimistic that they will find the relationship they are seeking this year.

Thirty percent of singles are not optimistic they will find the relationship they are seeking this year. Overall, women surveyed were more optimistic than were men.

Pessimists and optimists share a pragmatic approach to finding someone special: Singles are more likely to think they will meet their future spouse through an introduction from a friend, co-worker, or family member, than through any other means. Men were more likely than women to say they believe they will meet their next partner on a social network or online dating service.

Typical “Other” responses included: Church, Not looking, No idea, Fate or chance encounter, Someone I’m dating now, While traveling, etc.

While some singles are tapping friends for an introduction that might lead to love, others may be finding ways to stay entertained and romantically connected during these long, cold winter months.

Almost one in three singles had a “friend with benefits” in 2007, and 33% reported “hooking up” with someone last year.

Mind Your Social Media Manners
Most singles encountered “good” or even “excellent” behavior while on dates last year.

Men and women both equally reported good behavior from their dates last year, with no significant change from 2006.

That said, some singles were likely to have been unhappy about gossiping taking place on social media, especially public disclosures of their failed romantic relationships.

While technology has created more, and some would say better, ways to make romantic connections, the protocols for using romantic technologies are still evolving.

While few singles think bad romantic news should first be delivered electronically….

More believe good romantic news can first be communicated this way.

Social media can also distract from romantic interactions. Six percent of singles complained that the men and women they dated last year were more into their own social networks than they were into the respondents.

Many dating-related behaviors occurring on social networking sites are perceived as unacceptable by some singles, with women surveyed tending to be more sensitive than men. Two behaviors that were most commonly seen as “crossing the line,” were writing negative material about an ex, and posting about romantic intentions so your network was aware of them before your date or partner.

Respondents were able to select more than one answer for this question.

Some Things Change. Some Things Never Do.

The good news is that chivalry is still very much alive for most singles.

When it comes to their dating lives, women are more likely than men to report that chivalry is dead.

And while some singles have indicated dishonesty is acceptable when dating online, most singles are men and women who say what they do, and do what they say, especially when the say “I’ll call you.”

We were surprised to learn that 49% of women say they never pay for a date!

And that seventy-seven percent of singles felt gay and lesbian couples should have equal rights to marriage!

• Only 38% of singles said they flirted to help themselves meet someone last year.
  
• Only 4% of singles said they expect to meet their future spouse at a bar.
• 31 percent of singles surveyed said they exchange only one email with someone they meet on an online dating service or social network before agreeing to meet face-to-face.
  
• 25% of men, but only 10% of women, say they become sexual with someone after only one or two dates.
  

Conclusions

In many ways, and with a big nod to social technologies, 2008 is a great time to be single. As more and more singles migrate their off-line dating practices to online communities like Engage, they are expecting sites to be more social and to offer experiences that are not only more natural and authentic than first-generation dating sites have typically offered, but also a lot more fun.

While single men and women may never entirely “get” each other, social media, when used with some responsibility and discretion, is helping both genders communicate, listen, learn, and explore what it really means to share ideas and life experiences with someone you may also one day come to love. Of course, you may also one day come to stop loving someone, and not all of us have finessed how to communicate to members of our social network what we’re genuinely feeling about an ex, without violating our ex’s right to privacy, not to mention sanity. Like everyone else, singles are a work in progress.

While it’s fair to say that some singles will try to lie, cheat, and possibly even steal their ways into our hearts, most singles will tell the truth in an online dating profile, call us when they say they will, and show up for a date. Todays singles are good people, hoping to find love, marriage, and their own little piece of happily-ever-after in the next five years. If you’re one of them, you are in some very nice — not to mention highly qualified — company.

We hope to see all 92 million of you on Engage this year. Make connections. Play Matchmaker^tm. It’s all good.

See you online!

More than one billion Valentine’s Day cards are likely to be exchanged over the next few days. How many will be printed on recycled material? What quantity of fair trade chocolate or locally grown roses will change hands this week? Are lovers developing a social consciousness, right along with the rest of us?

Do you know where your Valentine’s candy comes from?

We think so. Sixty percent of 1,000 adults we recently surveyed said “going green” was the right thing to do this Valentine’s season. Sixty-five percent of the people surveyed who expect to receive a Valentine’s gift this year said they prefer to receive a socially-conscious or eco-friendly gift.

Women who plan to give a socially-conscious or eco-friendly gift were most likely to say they will give a card or other gift made with recycled materials. Other top gift-giving choices for women were fair trade chocolate and a gift to a nonprofit or charity made in their Valentine’s name. Men were most likely to say they would give their Valentines eco-friendly flowers, followed by fair trade chocolate, and then a card or gift made with recycled material.

Three percent of men said they were most likely to give their Valentine a hybrid car this year! Now that’s a thoughtful man. One percent of both men and women surveyed said they would give carbon credits to their love. Overall, women were more likely than men to believe going green was the right thing to do on February 14. Women were also more likely than men to say they prefer to receive a socially-conscious or eco-friendly gift.

Green and Socially Conscious Valentine’s Gift Guide
The Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations has some great ideas in their Valentine’s Gift Guide including one way to approach your February 14 meal: “Before you make romantic dinner reservations check out Local Harvest to see if there are any restaurants in your area that use locally grown food.” Local Harvest can also help you locate locally-grown flower shops in your area. According to A. Caleb Hartley at Environmentastic:

“Often, your flowers are delivered from halfway around the world. Flowers sent to people in the USA are grown in South America. This means that, even if the flowers are organic, that significant amounts of fossil fuels have been burned just to get them to you or your recipient. So buying local is very important as well.”

A pig, cow or goat can be an especially romantic gift, when given through Heifer International They believe giving impoverished families livestock as a sustainable source of food, and one that they can in turn pass on to other families via offspring, is a way to stop hunger and poverty.

Visit Money and Values to learn more about why you might want to buy fair trade chocolate, and other products, for your love on February 14, including that:

“Fair trade certification is about letting consumers know that the people who grow/harvest/make their products got a fair price and humane working conditions, which is a big step above the often horrible conditions (child labor, pesticide poisoning, intimidation and exploitation, etc) involved in producing non-certified versions.”

Valentine’s Day is an especially big deal for two fair trade products– chocolate and the newly available fair trade flowers– because it’s estimated that Valentine’s Day accounts for 12% of chocolate and 25% of flowers sold in the U.S.

Want to do something to keep a bit of red in Valentine’s day, while also saving three lives in the process? Take your love and arrange to give blood at an American Red Cross donation location in your area.

Finally, why not buy your love a “Love” t-shirt from Rosie O’Donnell’s shop? It’s a simple message, and exactly what the world needs more of right now!

All net profits go to Rosie’s For All Kids Foundation

Peace, Love, and Happy Green Valentine’s Day!

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

Have You Thanked Your Matchmaker Lately?

Fourteen days to Valentine’s Day, and right about this time happy, and not-so-happy, couples, are navigating a media blitzkrieg of rose and champagne reminders of what love and happily-ever-after are supposed to be all about—namely diamonds, if you believe what you see on TV.

Singles, on the other hand, are doing their best to ignore the global mating call to action—the corporately-manufactured drive to fill that empty spot and cross over to the land of the happily-coupled with their future special someone. Someone whom they actually have yet to meet, but should be fully prepared to shop for, all in a matter of days.

At its worst, Valentine’s Day is an unavoidable reminder of the love we may be missing in our lives, or an unhappy obligation to purchase a little peace in our life with our partner. We get it all wrong when we let dollars be the currency of our commitment to each other.

At its best, Valentine’s Day is about small gestures and thoughtful acknowledgments that say, “None of us are in this alone. And all of us are better by virtue of the people who love us, and the people we love.” We get it right when we reach out and connect with these people, even when they aren’t romantic partners.

February 13th is “Thank Your Matchmaker Day”

Look behind half of all couples celebrating Valentine’s Day this year and you’ll find a friend who in some way nudged, cajoled, or meddled (and I mean that in the best possible way) to help that happy couple find each other. Yes, half of all marriages in the United States are the result of someone playing matchmaker for the couple, according to Engage research of more than 1,000 married adults.

As I write this, many thousands of people are using Engage to help their single friends connect with other eligible singles. Friends play matchmaker on Engage, and in the real world, not because they are paid to do so, but because it’s fun and because they care. Matchmakers are the unrecognized masterminds of great dates, love affairs, and marriages. Yet when was the last time any of us took a minute to say “Thanks!”?

Engage first declared February 13, 2006 “Thank Your Matchmaker Day,” in an effort to honor these behind-the-scenes heroes of love. Before any of us celebrate Valentine’s Day, let’s take a moment to thank the intrepid matchmakers who have helped us find love already or who are committed to helping us connect with someone special soon.

While many of us will be thanking female BFFs, sisters, and mothers on February 13th, more and more, men are stepping up to help make love a reality for their friends. On Engage, half of all people playing matchmaker are men—something even we didn’t expect when were building the site.

Famous Couples and the Men Who Played Matchmaker For Them

Joe Simpson, reported to have persuaded Jessica Simpson to dump Nick Lachey two years ago, played matchmaker this year when he introduced his daughter to Dallas Cowboy, Tony Romo. For everyone other than some Cowboys fans, the relationship seems to be working.

Seems like Jessica and Tony are happy they met!

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones should take time on February 13th to thank Antonio Banderas, who introduced the two at a dinner he gave.

Rosie O’Donnell’s brother Daniel O’Donnell deserves kudos for introducing his sister to her life partner, Kelli Carpenter.

Rosie and Kelly met when Rosie’s brother played matchmaker.

Christina Aguilera was introduced to her husband, Jordan Bratman, by her manager, Irving Azoff. Now they have a new baby boy to think Irv for, too!

Christina Aguilera met her hubby through a friend’s introduction.

The Hard Knocks School of Matchmaking

In Chinese, the character that represents “matchmaker” happens to also be a homonym for “bad luck.” That may be one reason why not all matchmaking stories have happy endings — especially for the matchmaker. One professional matchmaker in China was sued when he denied his client’s request for an “Ugly Girl Refund”. The courts eventually ruled that the matchmaker had to return half of the fee he had collected from his client’s mother.

An old custom in China had brides crying and yelling during their weddings. Apparently the idea was to make false claims of grievances and sorrows, which would in turn guarantee marital bliss. But sometimes, the grievances and sorrows were actually true. Some brides publicly cried about and cursed their matchmakers, during their weddings, especially when they had little say in their choice of groom.

Every tear shed over an unfortunate match can be trumped by a true love story, inspired by a friend’s human intuition and gut feelings about how two people just might pair up. Although NY Times reporter John Tierney wrote this week about the “algorithms of love” social scientists are peddling on some leading dating sites, it shouldn’t take an advanced degree or fancy mathematics to sense that two people might be right for each other, or to do a good deed. Tierney would like to hear your online matchmaking success story.

We’d prefer to watch you thank the matchmakers in your life. Just add your video to our collection of “thank you” messages on our Thank Your Matchmaker YouTube group. While you’re at it, pay you matchmaker’s good deeds forward by playing matchmaker for singles you know. You might forever change two lives.

On a personal note: Marion, thanks for helping me find the love of my life. I promise you’ll never hear me cry, complain, or swear about that!

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

It’s that time of year where you can’t go anywhere without hearing the V word. (No, not “vajayjay,” silly… though we’re hearing that everywhere too.) We meant Valentine’s. For some, that word cues a symphony. For others, it cues the screeching violins from “Psycho”.

Don’t get us wrong, we love little candy hearts as much as the next gal or guy! But sometimes it feels like we all have to participate in Valentine’s Day’s chocoholic excesses. Whether you’re between relationships, dating someone new, or with a longtime companion, all the hearts and arrows and romantic formulas can get a little stale, right? Romance is so much more, well… romantic when it’s not calendared in.

Why not take a more social approach to V-Day? Here’s one recipe for a St. V’s without the Hallmark holiday hangover:

• Host a party where you and your friends can get gorgeous and mingle – without paying for a prix fixe menu or being sardined into banquette seating with three gazillion other couples.
• Invite everyone you know – involved or not.
• Ask everyone to make up a signature cocktail and bring the ingredients to your place.
• Tell your involved friends to bring a single friend or two along with them.
• While you’re mixing cocktails, see how your single friends blend!

Will love be served up, shaken not stirred? You’ll have to wait and see. At least you and your best friends can have a gala evening together, whether or not Cupid decides to strike. And If you’re between sweeties, your best friends are the best people to be with!

Gee… someone should throw a fun party like that online. Oh wait, we did.

Hugs and kisses,

Engage

p.s. Be sure to tell us about your party. Post a comment to this blog entry and let us know how your soirée turns out!

Of all the current presidential candidates, single women would most like to see Barack Obama naked, followed by John Edwards as their second choice, according to a January 2008 Engage survey of more than 900 single adults.

After recently meeting the candidate at a Women for Obama event—if elbowing my way to the front of a line to shake his hand, glance into his inviting eyes and snap a photo to forever memorialize the two-second event (only later to learn I had cut off his head) actually qualifies as meeting—he has my vote too, at least in the naked department. Obama is cute, charismatic and strikes me as a candidate relatively comfortable with naked truths—even his own. Not to mention he has a confident, warm, and not at all sweaty handshake.

Barack Obama seems comfortable with naked truths.

According to the survey, single women believe John Edwards is the sexiest candidate by two percentage points above Obama, with Mitt Romney taking the bronze. Single women elected Obama as the best kisser of the candidates, in a tight race with Edwards as his runner up, and with Guiliani coming in a distant third. Among single women, no Republican candidate finished first or second when asked about their sexiness, perceived kissing prowess, or one’s desire to see them naked. How will this play out in the coming primaries and the general election later this year?

John Edwards - Candidate McDreamy?

The McDreamy Presidential Election Factor?
Forty-two percent of single women surveyed said that a candidate’s physical appearance influences their voting decision. Women were more likely to be influenced by the presidential attraction factor than were men. Melinda Henneberger, who spent eighteen months interviewing women about their voting choices:

“…began to wonder if picking a candidate wasn’t a little like dating, with chemistry and timing regularly trumping reason and common vision.”

We don’t have to agree with everything our significant other believes, in order to have a passionate, meaningful and happy relationship. Sometimes even opposites make for a great marriage. Regardless of how our beliefs align with our partners’, it certainly helps if we think they are sexy, like the way they kiss and enjoy seeing them naked. Is this true also for our president? According to Henneberger:

“Many women said they are looking for someone they can trust, even more than someone they agree with in all the particulars.”

Whether single women intend to vote for the candidate who looks best naked, or the candidate they trust will have the best plan to address issues they say are most important to them—the war in Iraq, the economy and healthcare—Engage is encouraging all single women, and their male counterparts, to vote and make themselves heard in 2008. “Every Single Vote,” a 10-month campaign to get out the single vote for this year’s presidential election, kicked off this week. The campaign will continue to survey singles on election issues, provide voter registration resources to Engage members, and encourage all singles to let their political voices be heard. Wondering if it’s OK to discuss politics on a first date? Or whether Democrats or Republicans make better lovers? Take the Engage “Every Single Vote – 2” survey this week, and let the last word be yours.

Me? I’m off to dream about sexy candidates, and ponder the war in Iraq, as I cast my absentee ballot.

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage.com

I caught Carson Kressley on the first episode of Lifetime TV’s “How to Look Good Naked” last week, a day after I spent $385 at Nordstrom’s buying lingerie that will never leave my panty drawer, unless we have another power outage. Like most women, I have my lingerie issues. Unlike most women, lingerie was actually underneath my career success.

Most of what I eventually learned about dating and romance was first inspired during my time running the returns department for the Victoria Secret catalog, in the days before it was acquired by The Limited. Women commonly returned lingerie with personal notes to “Victoria,” confiding intimate, and sometimes demoralizing details of their faltering marriages and the role they had hoped a baby doll, or cami set, might have played in bringing back their man.

“Victoria” was actually me, Trish McDermott, an early-twenties student and political activist who took the Victoria’s Secret job because her boss promised her time off to get arrested at political demonstrations, thereby somehow bettering, or possibly even saving, the world. I had a plan for saving the world, but was clueless about saving a marriage, especially one that was impervious to something soft and silky. Not all lingerie returns had happy endings.

I learned one very important lesson at the panty factory: It’s your choice of partner, and not your choice of panty, that ultimately makes your marriage work.

Carson Kressley was on again last night, with another less-than-perfect-in-panties woman in need of his “perception revolution,” which includes projecting a four-story-tall image of her, clad only in a bra and underwear, on a building somewhere in downtown Santa Monica. I’m an ardent supporter of any revolution that takes place in our underwear, partly because as a peace activist, I’m reassured by the fact that it’s hard to carry concealed weapons in our panty bands.

Of course, not everyone wants to participate in Carson’s revolution. The National Action Against Obesity chose to keep all of us less- than-perfect women in our perceived place with a press release attacking “How to Look Good Naked” (Credit and thanks to Chubby Mommy, where I first found this release discussed). The release included this comment:

“When we observe obesity, we’re seeing the effects of self-abuse. To end self-loathing, one must stop self-induced abuse. It’s a change in behavior, not a change in word choice — like calling the evidence of abuse beautiful. It’s no more logical to compliment the aesthetics of obesity than the beauty of cigarette-stained teeth or track marks on a junkie’s arm,” said NAAO President MeMe Roth.

What riles them up is that “How to Look Good Naked” isn’t telling women to lose fifty pounds and get a personal trainer before they get naked, given what they call the “dangerous denial of compromised health due to obesity”. Instead, Carson wants women to shed all of our layers—clothing, of course, but also shame, guilt and the constant comparison we make between our bodies and those of fashion models, or women twenty years younger than ourselves—to see that we are each beautiful in many ways, and certainly deserving of love and happiness, even with cottage cheese thighs.

Sometimes single people see themselves as a sum of their flaws. Perhaps they are overweight, or bald, or underemployed, or too tall, or too short, or too much of, or not enough of something they think they must be in order to be loved. It isn’t true. What is true is what I heard Carson say to this week’s guest: “There’s so much good here that we can work with.”

Here’s to seeing you all naked – at least metaphorically.
Me? I’m off to purchase a light dimmer.

Trish

Participating in life makes you a lot sexier than sitting on the sidelines. I’m attracted to people who are empowered and believe in their own ability to influence change and make things happen. Aren’t you? Did you know you’re four times more likely to attract a potential romantic partner simply by registering to vote? This is based on today’s running tally of Engage’s “Love, Romance, and Politics” survey.

We’ll keep the survey open and see what happens, so please take a few minutes to weigh in with your own thoughts. With a little over 600 responses so far, here are some early survey findings:

Sexiest Candidate: Single Democrats see Hillary Rodham Clinton as the sexiest candidate, followed by John Edwards. Single Republicans give Mitt Romney the Mr. Sexy title, followed by Clinton (more men than women have taken the survey so far, which may explain this Republican defection to Clinton…or maybe her recent tears made her more vulnerable and appealing, and Republican men just can’t help themselves). Single Independents chose Clinton as sexiest, followed by Edwards, and Single Libertarians and Greens both find Clinton the sexiest, with Obama running second.

Party Attraction Factor: Single Democrats are most attracted to a sexy and honest potential romantic partner, while Single Republicans are most attracted to a single person who is honest and smart. Will these dating selection biases influence their presidential choices? Single Libertarians like their romantic partners smart and good looking, and Single Greens prefer honest and sexy partners.

Single Republicans are more likely than single Democrats to say they would cross party lines to date. Of course, as James Carville once told me during the 2004 campaign when I announced a survey with similar results, maybe this is because single Democrats don’t like the dating prospects on the Republican side. Leaving political affiliation aside, men think Clinton will be the best kisser of the candidates, while women, ever hopeful, seem to prefer Obama for a snog.

While most of the survey is just for fun, and I’ll share more with you soon, we’re serious about getting out the single vote.

Only 43% of single men voted in 2004, while 52% of single women did so, according to Margie Omero. Both groups were out-voted by their married counterparts. Single women, who traditionally vote Democratic, have been annoyingly dubbed the “Single Anxious Woman” voting block, so pundits and pollsters can speak about the influence, apparently perceived to be significant, they may wield in the upcoming presidential election. If they vote, that is.

“Want a sure-fire way to keep women away from the polls? How about calling large groups of them ’single and anxious?’” writes Huffington Post blogger Morra Aarons-Mele.

According to the Engage survey, if the presidential election was held today:

40% of single Democrats would vote for Clinton, 25% for Obama, and 18% for John Edwards. With single Republicans, Huckabee, Guliani, and McCain are in a three-way tie for first place, each getting just over 19% of the vote.

However you plan to vote, your single voice must be heard. It’s good for your love life, and it’s good for our American way of life. Here are three ways you can easily get Engaged in the presidential election:

1. Register to vote. Check out Project Vote Smart to learn how voter registration works in your state.

2. Take Engage’s “Love, Politics, and Romance” survey:

3. Volunteer to work for the sexy, or not so sexy, candidate of your choice:

Hillary Rodham Clinton

John Edwards

Rudy Giuliani

Mike Huckabee

Dennis Kucinich

John McCain

Barack Obama

Ron Paul

Mitt Romney

Fred Thompson

Peace, love, and good politics.

Trish McDermott

VP of Love, Engage.com

As the CEO of Engage, I’m honored to write the first Engage blog post. Our company is excited to be able to communicate with you this way – and we’re looking forward to watching the blog become a fun part of your experience on our site. This first post is extra special for me because of the topic: My recent wedding in Goa, India. It was an amazing event for my wife and I, and I wanted to share it with you.

And now… welcome to my wedding!
My wife Amrita and I met the same way most people meet: through a friend’s introduction. This happened just before I co-founded Engage, so I started the world’s first social dating site at the same time that I was falling in love. Engage has evolved at the same time as my relationship — and just two weeks ago, Amrita and I were married.

Our wedding took place over three days in December, in Goa, India — and wow, what a wedding it was! It’s difficult to describe an event that you’re at the center of, but I can only say it was magical. We were surrounded by nearly all of our family and friends, many of whom had come from great distances. And we were in one of the most exotic places in the world, warmed by the waters of the Arabian Sea. The combination was electric.

I kept a journal of the wedding events and thought you’d like to see a bit of our amazing adventure:

Getting there was hard.
The journey started out with a rock-solid swindle. You see, Scotch is big in India and I needed a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label. So I waited until I was in SFO, duty-free. The sales rep in the store convinced me that the price, a “meager” $136/bottle (!), was on par with all duty-free shops worldwide. (He claimed that the dollar’s nosedive would, if anything, drive up pricing elsewhere in the world.) So, I bought that bottle and lugged it halfway across the world. After a grueling 14+ hour trip to Taipei, my first stop from SFO to Goa, I went straight to the duty-free shop to check prices. Bleary-eyed and jet-lagged at 2 a.m., I broke out my phone calculator and discovered that the sales rep had a unique interpretation of the global economy: Here was the same bottle for 40% less! I then had a multi-hour layover, seven hour flight to Mumbai, and 45 minute flight to Goa – all-in-all about 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 14 seconds to mull over the strength/weakness of the dollar. But at least I had the Blue Label.

The world changed.
Once in Goa, I checked into the Taj Hotel. Suddenly, I was in a different world. The Taj is designed like an authentic Goan village, complete with Portuguese-Goan terracotta-roofed cottages lining Sinquerim Beach in North Goa. After a nap and some lunch, I headed out to the bar to meet up with friends who had already arrived. On the menu? Champagne and scotch. (Yes, in that order). Just a taste or two before I met up with the TV crew…

Chilling at the Taj upon arrival

The 3 Events
Night One: The Sangeet. A festivity of song and dance to celebrate the engagement and upcoming marriage. Theme: Shades of White
Okay, so at this point I should probably mention the TV show. Our traditional Indian wedding was made a little extra special thanks to my sister-in-law, Avantika. She not only organized every detail of the event but she also convinced Indian media company NDTV to cover our nuptials for a TV show called “My Big Fat Indian Wedding.” So I had all the usual pre-wedding jitters on camera! With Avantika organizing, many of the events and settings to come were a surprise for me and Amrita… starting with the Sangeet.

I didn’t know what to expect at the Sangeet that night. When the evening rolled around, I was running late. Most of the guests had already left for the party via buses. A special air-conditioned car had been organized for me and my family. That would’ve been great but I couldn’t locate my family! I ended up piling into a car with my Mom, my future mother-in-law, and her brother in-law (it was a serious conversation). We sped off into the dark on a long, bumpy dirt road that led straight into the jungle. Now I was worried.

When I arrived, I was blown away. This was my first impression…

Followed by my 2nd impression: Diego (from San Francisco) flirting with my new cousin Mallika (a Bollywood actress).

The bartenders were putting on one heck of a show.

Karen (Engage’s other co-founder) and her husband Scott enjoyed the view.

I don’t think the slide show in the background got much attention!

The paparazzi snapped…

White was everywhere.

And I finally had a first dance with my wife-to-be.

Night Two: The Mehendi. The application of Mehendi (henna) designs to the hands and feet.
This is a really beautiful Indian tradition. The deep color of mehendi signifies the prosperity that the bride will bring to her new family. Color theme: Palettes of yellow-orange.

So after the spectacular Sangeet, I didn’t know what to expect for the second night of celebration. What could top it? I showed up to what looked like a mini amphitheatre shrouded in sunshine yellow colors, except it didn’t have the concrete feel of an amphitheatre but rather of a fine restaurant with no roof (perfect for the 85 degree temperature). It was really quite incredible – I’ve never seen anything like it anywhere. The food and drinks matched the exotic décor. Of all the wedding events, this was the most casual night and nearly all the women (and many of the men) had mehendi (you might know it as henna tattoos) applied in some creative ways.

“I Would Dye4U!” Amrita gets the mehendi applied to her hands.

Followed by a lift in the middle of the dance floor.

Avantika and Ananya distribute bangles for the ladies.

And to top it off, my Harvard B-School friends put on a last-minute skit.

Night Three: The Wedding and Reception. (Theme: Formal, traditional colors.)
The wedding ceremony is conducted in Sanskrit; the fire-deity (or the sacred fire) serves as the primary witness, while the bride and groom encircle it seven times together.

Okay. The big day is here and I’m worried about the heat. It’s December 20^th. It’s 88 degrees out. The snowman is made out of sand. And there are Christmas trees and wreathes everywhere but somehow it’s hard to believe Christmas is just a few days away.

This is the day we’ve waited for. There are multiple ceremonies to get through before the actual wedding and reception… and the story’s best told with pictures. Here we go…

Wedding day afternoon – Amrita takes part in a ceremony for the bride, her friends, and her family.

My picture-perfect bride does a photo shoot on the hotel grounds.

Amrita’s family escorts her to the meeting point between her family and mine, at the entrance.

Meanwhile, I’m on my way to the venue… (That’s me in the middle of the back seat)… with a little dancing in the street.

I arrive at the destination surrounded by my family and friends.

A big moment: The families meet.

As the sun sets, we’re minutes from being married.

One of the many photos just after the ceremony.

The reception area is about to get packed.

Amrita dancing at the reception.

A final pose for photos before the night is over.

Thanks for joining Amrita and I on our journey! I’d like to wish each of you, in turn, an amazing year and lots of fun and success on Engage. Please share your stories with us along the way.

Best wishes,
Suneet Wadhwa
Engage CEO

P.S. Be on the lookout for great new things happening here at Engage! While I’m bursting at the seams to share the latest news about our service, I have to hold my tongue until our marketing guy says it’s okay to talk. Bookmark our blog to stay in touch: blog.engage.com.