Have You Thanked Your Matchmaker Lately?

Fourteen days to Valentine’s Day, and right about this time happy, and not-so-happy, couples, are navigating a media blitzkrieg of rose and champagne reminders of what love and happily-ever-after are supposed to be all about—namely diamonds, if you believe what you see on TV.

Singles, on the other hand, are doing their best to ignore the global mating call to action—the corporately-manufactured drive to fill that empty spot and cross over to the land of the happily-coupled with their future special someone. Someone whom they actually have yet to meet, but should be fully prepared to shop for, all in a matter of days.

At its worst, Valentine’s Day is an unavoidable reminder of the love we may be missing in our lives, or an unhappy obligation to purchase a little peace in our life with our partner. We get it all wrong when we let dollars be the currency of our commitment to each other.

At its best, Valentine’s Day is about small gestures and thoughtful acknowledgments that say, “None of us are in this alone. And all of us are better by virtue of the people who love us, and the people we love.” We get it right when we reach out and connect with these people, even when they aren’t romantic partners.

February 13th is “Thank Your Matchmaker Day”

Look behind half of all couples celebrating Valentine’s Day this year and you’ll find a friend who in some way nudged, cajoled, or meddled (and I mean that in the best possible way) to help that happy couple find each other. Yes, half of all marriages in the United States are the result of someone playing matchmaker for the couple, according to Engage research of more than 1,000 married adults.

As I write this, many thousands of people are using Engage to help their single friends connect with other eligible singles. Friends play matchmaker on Engage, and in the real world, not because they are paid to do so, but because it’s fun and because they care. Matchmakers are the unrecognized masterminds of great dates, love affairs, and marriages. Yet when was the last time any of us took a minute to say “Thanks!”?

Engage first declared February 13, 2006 “Thank Your Matchmaker Day,” in an effort to honor these behind-the-scenes heroes of love. Before any of us celebrate Valentine’s Day, let’s take a moment to thank the intrepid matchmakers who have helped us find love already or who are committed to helping us connect with someone special soon.

While many of us will be thanking female BFFs, sisters, and mothers on February 13th, more and more, men are stepping up to help make love a reality for their friends. On Engage, half of all people playing matchmaker are men—something even we didn’t expect when were building the site.

Famous Couples and the Men Who Played Matchmaker For Them

Joe Simpson, reported to have persuaded Jessica Simpson to dump Nick Lachey two years ago, played matchmaker this year when he introduced his daughter to Dallas Cowboy, Tony Romo. For everyone other than some Cowboys fans, the relationship seems to be working.

Seems like Jessica and Tony are happy they met!

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones should take time on February 13th to thank Antonio Banderas, who introduced the two at a dinner he gave.

Rosie O’Donnell’s brother Daniel O’Donnell deserves kudos for introducing his sister to her life partner, Kelli Carpenter.

Rosie and Kelly met when Rosie’s brother played matchmaker.

Christina Aguilera was introduced to her husband, Jordan Bratman, by her manager, Irving Azoff. Now they have a new baby boy to think Irv for, too!

Christina Aguilera met her hubby through a friend’s introduction.

The Hard Knocks School of Matchmaking

In Chinese, the character that represents “matchmaker” happens to also be a homonym for “bad luck.” That may be one reason why not all matchmaking stories have happy endings — especially for the matchmaker. One professional matchmaker in China was sued when he denied his client’s request for an “Ugly Girl Refund”. The courts eventually ruled that the matchmaker had to return half of the fee he had collected from his client’s mother.

An old custom in China had brides crying and yelling during their weddings. Apparently the idea was to make false claims of grievances and sorrows, which would in turn guarantee marital bliss. But sometimes, the grievances and sorrows were actually true. Some brides publicly cried about and cursed their matchmakers, during their weddings, especially when they had little say in their choice of groom.

Every tear shed over an unfortunate match can be trumped by a true love story, inspired by a friend’s human intuition and gut feelings about how two people just might pair up. Although NY Times reporter John Tierney wrote this week about the “algorithms of love” social scientists are peddling on some leading dating sites, it shouldn’t take an advanced degree or fancy mathematics to sense that two people might be right for each other, or to do a good deed. Tierney would like to hear your online matchmaking success story.

We’d prefer to watch you thank the matchmakers in your life. Just add your video to our collection of “thank you” messages on our Thank Your Matchmaker YouTube group. While you’re at it, pay you matchmaker’s good deeds forward by playing matchmaker for singles you know. You might forever change two lives.

On a personal note: Marion, thanks for helping me find the love of my life. I promise you’ll never hear me cry, complain, or swear about that!

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage

 

I caught Carson Kressley on the first episode of Lifetime TV’s “How to Look Good Naked” last week, a day after I spent $385 at Nordstrom’s buying lingerie that will never leave my panty drawer, unless we have another power outage. Like most women, I have my lingerie issues. Unlike most women, lingerie was actually underneath my career success.

Most of what I eventually learned about dating and romance was first inspired during my time running the returns department for the Victoria Secret catalog, in the days before it was acquired by The Limited. Women commonly returned lingerie with personal notes to “Victoria,” confiding intimate, and sometimes demoralizing details of their faltering marriages and the role they had hoped a baby doll, or cami set, might have played in bringing back their man.

“Victoria” was actually me, Trish McDermott, an early-twenties student and political activist who took the Victoria’s Secret job because her boss promised her time off to get arrested at political demonstrations, thereby somehow bettering, or possibly even saving, the world. I had a plan for saving the world, but was clueless about saving a marriage, especially one that was impervious to something soft and silky. Not all lingerie returns had happy endings.

I learned one very important lesson at the panty factory: It’s your choice of partner, and not your choice of panty, that ultimately makes your marriage work.

Carson Kressley was on again last night, with another less-than-perfect-in-panties woman in need of his “perception revolution,” which includes projecting a four-story-tall image of her, clad only in a bra and underwear, on a building somewhere in downtown Santa Monica. I’m an ardent supporter of any revolution that takes place in our underwear, partly because as a peace activist, I’m reassured by the fact that it’s hard to carry concealed weapons in our panty bands.

Of course, not everyone wants to participate in Carson’s revolution. The National Action Against Obesity chose to keep all of us less- than-perfect women in our perceived place with a press release attacking “How to Look Good Naked” (Credit and thanks to Chubby Mommy, where I first found this release discussed). The release included this comment:

“When we observe obesity, we’re seeing the effects of self-abuse. To end self-loathing, one must stop self-induced abuse. It’s a change in behavior, not a change in word choice — like calling the evidence of abuse beautiful. It’s no more logical to compliment the aesthetics of obesity than the beauty of cigarette-stained teeth or track marks on a junkie’s arm,” said NAAO President MeMe Roth.

What riles them up is that “How to Look Good Naked” isn’t telling women to lose fifty pounds and get a personal trainer before they get naked, given what they call the “dangerous denial of compromised health due to obesity”. Instead, Carson wants women to shed all of our layers—clothing, of course, but also shame, guilt and the constant comparison we make between our bodies and those of fashion models, or women twenty years younger than ourselves—to see that we are each beautiful in many ways, and certainly deserving of love and happiness, even with cottage cheese thighs.

Sometimes single people see themselves as a sum of their flaws. Perhaps they are overweight, or bald, or underemployed, or too tall, or too short, or too much of, or not enough of something they think they must be in order to be loved. It isn’t true. What is true is what I heard Carson say to this week’s guest: “There’s so much good here that we can work with.”

Here’s to seeing you all naked – at least metaphorically.
Me? I’m off to purchase a light dimmer.

Trish

 

Participating in life makes you a lot sexier than sitting on the sidelines. I’m attracted to people who are empowered and believe in their own ability to influence change and make things happen. Aren’t you? Did you know you’re four times more likely to attract a potential romantic partner simply by registering to vote? This is based on today’s running tally of Engage’s “Love, Romance, and Politics” survey.

We’ll keep the survey open and see what happens, so please take a few minutes to weigh in with your own thoughts. With a little over 600 responses so far, here are some early survey findings:

Sexiest Candidate: Single Democrats see Hillary Rodham Clinton as the sexiest candidate, followed by John Edwards. Single Republicans give Mitt Romney the Mr. Sexy title, followed by Clinton (more men than women have taken the survey so far, which may explain this Republican defection to Clinton…or maybe her recent tears made her more vulnerable and appealing, and Republican men just can’t help themselves). Single Independents chose Clinton as sexiest, followed by Edwards, and Single Libertarians and Greens both find Clinton the sexiest, with Obama running second.

Party Attraction Factor: Single Democrats are most attracted to a sexy and honest potential romantic partner, while Single Republicans are most attracted to a single person who is honest and smart. Will these dating selection biases influence their presidential choices? Single Libertarians like their romantic partners smart and good looking, and Single Greens prefer honest and sexy partners.

Single Republicans are more likely than single Democrats to say they would cross party lines to date. Of course, as James Carville once told me during the 2004 campaign when I announced a survey with similar results, maybe this is because single Democrats don’t like the dating prospects on the Republican side. Leaving political affiliation aside, men think Clinton will be the best kisser of the candidates, while women, ever hopeful, seem to prefer Obama for a snog.

While most of the survey is just for fun, and I’ll share more with you soon, we’re serious about getting out the single vote.

 

Only 43% of single men voted in 2004, while 52% of single women did so, according to Margie Omero. Both groups were out-voted by their married counterparts. Single women, who traditionally vote Democratic, have been annoyingly dubbed the “Single Anxious Woman” voting block, so pundits and pollsters can speak about the influence, apparently perceived to be significant, they may wield in the upcoming presidential election. If they vote, that is.

 

“Want a sure-fire way to keep women away from the polls? How about calling large groups of them ’single and anxious?’” writes Huffington Post blogger Morra Aarons-Mele.

According to the Engage survey, if the presidential election was held today:

40% of single Democrats would vote for Clinton, 25% for Obama, and 18% for John Edwards. With single Republicans, Huckabee, Guliani, and McCain are in a three-way tie for first place, each getting just over 19% of the vote.

However you plan to vote, your single voice must be heard. It’s good for your love life, and it’s good for our American way of life. Here are three ways you can easily get Engaged in the presidential election:

1. Register to vote. Check out Project Vote Smart to learn how voter registration works in your state.

2. Take Engage’s “Love, Politics, and Romance” survey:

3. Volunteer to work for the sexy, or not so sexy, candidate of your choice:

Hillary Rodham Clinton

John Edwards

Rudy Giuliani

Mike Huckabee

Dennis Kucinich

John McCain

Barack Obama

Ron Paul

Mitt Romney

Fred Thompson

Peace, love, and good politics.

Trish McDermott

VP of Love, Engage.com

As the CEO of Engage, I’m honored to write the first Engage blog post. Our company is excited to be able to communicate with you this way – and we’re looking forward to watching the blog become a fun part of your experience on our site. This first post is extra special for me because of the topic: My recent wedding in Goa, India. It was an amazing event for my wife and I, and I wanted to share it with you.

And now… welcome to my wedding!
My wife Amrita and I met the same way most people meet: through a friend’s introduction. This happened just before I co-founded Engage, so I started the world’s first social dating site at the same time that I was falling in love. Engage has evolved at the same time as my relationship — and just two weeks ago, Amrita and I were married.

Our wedding took place over three days in December, in Goa, India — and wow, what a wedding it was! It’s difficult to describe an event that you’re at the center of, but I can only say it was magical. We were surrounded by nearly all of our family and friends, many of whom had come from great distances. And we were in one of the most exotic places in the world, warmed by the waters of the Arabian Sea. The combination was electric.

I kept a journal of the wedding events and thought you’d like to see a bit of our amazing adventure:

Getting there was hard.
The journey started out with a rock-solid swindle. You see, Scotch is big in India and I needed a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label. So I waited until I was in SFO, duty-free. The sales rep in the store convinced me that the price, a “meager” $136/bottle (!), was on par with all duty-free shops worldwide. (He claimed that the dollar’s nosedive would, if anything, drive up pricing elsewhere in the world.) So, I bought that bottle and lugged it halfway across the world. After a grueling 14+ hour trip to Taipei, my first stop from SFO to Goa, I went straight to the duty-free shop to check prices. Bleary-eyed and jet-lagged at 2 a.m., I broke out my phone calculator and discovered that the sales rep had a unique interpretation of the global economy: Here was the same bottle for 40% less! I then had a multi-hour layover, seven hour flight to Mumbai, and 45 minute flight to Goa – all-in-all about 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 14 seconds to mull over the strength/weakness of the dollar. But at least I had the Blue Label.

The world changed.
Once in Goa, I checked into the Taj Hotel. Suddenly, I was in a different world. The Taj is designed like an authentic Goan village, complete with Portuguese-Goan terracotta-roofed cottages lining Sinquerim Beach in North Goa. After a nap and some lunch, I headed out to the bar to meet up with friends who had already arrived. On the menu? Champagne and scotch. (Yes, in that order). Just a taste or two before I met up with the TV crew…

Chilling at the Taj upon arrival

 

 

The 3 Events
Night One: The Sangeet. A festivity of song and dance to celebrate the engagement and upcoming marriage. Theme: Shades of White
Okay, so at this point I should probably mention the TV show. Our traditional Indian wedding was made a little extra special thanks to my sister-in-law, Avantika. She not only organized every detail of the event but she also convinced Indian media company NDTV to cover our nuptials for a TV show called “My Big Fat Indian Wedding.” So I had all the usual pre-wedding jitters on camera! With Avantika organizing, many of the events and settings to come were a surprise for me and Amrita… starting with the Sangeet.

I didn’t know what to expect at the Sangeet that night. When the evening rolled around, I was running late. Most of the guests had already left for the party via buses. A special air-conditioned car had been organized for me and my family. That would’ve been great but I couldn’t locate my family! I ended up piling into a car with my Mom, my future mother-in-law, and her brother in-law (it was a serious conversation). We sped off into the dark on a long, bumpy dirt road that led straight into the jungle. Now I was worried.

When I arrived, I was blown away. This was my first impression…

 

Followed by my 2nd impression: Diego (from San Francisco) flirting with my new cousin Mallika (a Bollywood actress).

 

The bartenders were putting on one heck of a show.

 

 

Karen (Engage’s other co-founder) and her husband Scott enjoyed the view.

 

 

I don’t think the slide show in the background got much attention!

 

 

The paparazzi snapped…

 

 

White was everywhere.

 

 

And I finally had a first dance with my wife-to-be.

 

 

 

Night Two: The Mehendi. The application of Mehendi (henna) designs to the hands and feet.
This is a really beautiful Indian tradition. The deep color of mehendi signifies the prosperity that the bride will bring to her new family. Color theme: Palettes of yellow-orange.

So after the spectacular Sangeet, I didn’t know what to expect for the second night of celebration. What could top it? I showed up to what looked like a mini amphitheatre shrouded in sunshine yellow colors, except it didn’t have the concrete feel of an amphitheatre but rather of a fine restaurant with no roof (perfect for the 85 degree temperature). It was really quite incredible – I’ve never seen anything like it anywhere. The food and drinks matched the exotic décor. Of all the wedding events, this was the most casual night and nearly all the women (and many of the men) had mehendi (you might know it as henna tattoos) applied in some creative ways.

“I Would Dye4U!” Amrita gets the mehendi applied to her hands.

 

 

Followed by a lift in the middle of the dance floor.

 

 

Avantika and Ananya distribute bangles for the ladies.

 

 

And to top it off, my Harvard B-School friends put on a last-minute skit.

 

 

Night Three: The Wedding and Reception. (Theme: Formal, traditional colors.)
The wedding ceremony is conducted in Sanskrit; the fire-deity (or the sacred fire) serves as the primary witness, while the bride and groom encircle it seven times together.

Okay. The big day is here and I’m worried about the heat. It’s December 20^th. It’s 88 degrees out. The snowman is made out of sand. And there are Christmas trees and wreathes everywhere but somehow it’s hard to believe Christmas is just a few days away.

This is the day we’ve waited for. There are multiple ceremonies to get through before the actual wedding and reception… and the story’s best told with pictures. Here we go…

Wedding day afternoon – Amrita takes part in a ceremony for the bride, her friends, and her family.

 

 

My picture-perfect bride does a photo shoot on the hotel grounds.

 

Amrita’s family escorts her to the meeting point between her family and mine, at the entrance.

Meanwhile, I’m on my way to the venue… (That’s me in the middle of the back seat)… with a little dancing in the street.

I arrive at the destination surrounded by my family and friends.

A big moment: The families meet.

As the sun sets, we’re minutes from being married.

One of the many photos just after the ceremony.

The reception area is about to get packed.

Amrita dancing at the reception.

A final pose for photos before the night is over.

 

Thanks for joining Amrita and I on our journey! I’d like to wish each of you, in turn, an amazing year and lots of fun and success on Engage. Please share your stories with us along the way.

Best wishes,
Suneet Wadhwa
Engage CEO

P.S. Be on the lookout for great new things happening here at Engage! While I’m bursting at the seams to share the latest news about our service, I have to hold my tongue until our marketing guy says it’s okay to talk. Bookmark our blog to stay in touch: blog.engage.com.