Our recent Sex and the City survey results are popping up in articles all over the blogosphere. The Baltimore Sun’s BaltAmour blog concluded our survey results showed how “the sexual double standard” persists.

The MaconLove blog thinks “the show gave women greater confidence and equality. It showed that world that it’s OK to be an assertive woman that can ask for — and get — what she wants.”

While sites like the Hampton Report, Great Dating Services, and the M2W conference blog reported how SATC changed women’s attitudes towards dating, Slackmistress stands up for “NerdGirls” who didn’t find Sex and the City so revolutionary, because they were already used to different dating practices. (Although maybe this is one of those “exception proves the rule” situations?)

Thanks again for sounding off in our survey. We’ll keep you posted on the next opportunity to share your thoughts and weigh in on topics that impact social dating.

“Oh Canada!” Our very own VP of Love, Trish McDermott popped up on Calgary Today with Mike Blanchard. Download the show from SendSpace and listen to Trish’s expert opinion on the state of online dating and relationships. Pretty savvy, eh?

We surveyed more than 250 single adults last week to understand more about how HBO’s Sex and the City influenced dating.  Here’s what we learned: 

77 percent of singles consider themselves a fan of Sex and the City.  51percent say they are a big fan.  Women were more likely than men to say they are a fan. 

52 percent of singles say Sex and the City influenced their dating life.  12 percent said it was a negative influence (men were more likely than women to say the influence was negative) and 40 percent said it was a positive influence (women were more likely than men to say the influence was positive). 

43 percent plan to see the movie.  37 percent will wait for the DVD. 20 percent won’t see.  Women were more than twice as likely as men to say they will go see the movie. 

80 percent of singles believe Sex and the City made it more acceptable for women to have fun dating and worry less about finding a committed relationship.  Women were more likely than men to believe this. 

43 percent of singles believe Sex and the City made it more acceptable for women to be unfaithful in their romantic relationships.  Men were more likely than women to believe this. 

59 percent say that Sex and the City reminded them how much they rely on their friends for dating advice and perspective.  Women were more likely than men to say this. 

50 percent believe that women who are big Sex and the City fans are more likely to have sex on a first date.  Men were more likely than women to believe this. 

51 percent agree with this statement made by Sex and the City character, Samantha Jones:  “Who we are in bed is who we are in life.  I’ve never met a man who was bad in bed who was good at life.”  Men were more likely than women to agree with this statement. 

Biggest complaints about the Sex and the City movie (note respondents were able to select all answers that apply):

• There was too much emphasis on being beautiful on the outside and not enough on being beautiful on the inside  (25%) (This was women’s biggest complaint)
• Single women became too much like single men (24%)
• Women no longer wanted to commit to the right man when he came along (23%)
• Men suddenly expected all single women to want to have sex without any commitment (22%)
• It promoted promiscuity (21%)
• It wasn’t realistic and didn’t speak to my dating experiences (20%)
• The emotional needs of single men were trivialized (20%) (This was men’s biggest complaint)

36 percent said they borrowed ideas from Sex and the City and used them in their dating life.  Women were more likely than men to say this. 

Single women most strongly identify with Sex and the City character Carrie Bradshaw, followed by Charlotte York and then Samantha Jones. Women were the least likely to say they identify with character Miranda Hobbes. 

55 percent of single women said Sex and the City influenced them to date more like men date. 

44 percent of single women wish they could be Carrie Bradshaw for one day.  35 percent wish they could be Samantha Jones for one day.  11percent wish they could be Miranda Hobbes for one day and 11 percent wish they could be Charlotte York for one day. 

86 percent of single women said they socialize with other women friends around sex, romance and dating issues, much like the Sex and the City characters did.  51 percent say they commonly do this. 

70 percent of single women say Sex and the City did not influence their shoe purchases.  14 percent say they purchased more shoes as a result of watching the HBO series, and 16 percent say they purchased more expensive or better quality shoes as a result. 

Some might say that it’s more likely that Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda  will end up being each other’s “soulmates” in life than it is that any man will be their “soulmate.”  When women were asked about the role a “soulmate” will play in their own lives:

• 39 percent said they already had or would end up with one (or several) women friends as their “soulmate” in life instead of a man.

  When men were asked about their beliefs about Sex and the City (and allowed to select more than one answer):

• 29 percent enjoyed it
• 25 percent say they learned a thing or two about dating women by watching
• 24 percent said it didn’t reflect their lives, or the lives of women they dated
• 24 percent said it gave them an inside look at what women actually do when they get together—talk about men
• 19 percent said it made it a lot easier to get women to sleep with them
• 19 percent said it changed dating, as it gave women permission to play the field
• 17 percent said it made it a lot more challenged to find a single woman who was seeking a lasting, committed relationship

When HBO’s Sex and the City first aired, back when I was VP of Romance and resident dating expert for Match.com, two dating cultural shifts quickly emerged.

Single men, generally from urban dating markets, began to complain to me that single women had become not only like men in their attitudes about sex and commitment, but actually worse than men.  Men who hoped to form a lasting relationship with one special woman felt that almost overnight single women became a lot less interested in commitment, as social license to play the field and focus their dating energy on having fun in the here and now had suddenly been granted. 

SATC didn’t reflect most single women’s dating lives as much as it influenced them.   For better or worse, women began to liken themselves to SATC characters in their online dating profiles, describing themselves as “Carrie Bradshaw like” seeking their own Mr. Big, or in a “Samantha Jones period” in their current approach to dating.  Even a very young Lindsay Lohan suggested that the Sex girls had influenced her to play the field and play around.

SATC, along with the introduction of dating reality shows like ABC’s The Bachelor, also began to socialize dating.  Suddenly everyone was talking about the dating choices  others make and learning vicariously through them.  Was it OK to break up via post-it note?  How young of a man can a somewhat older woman get away with dating?  Who was really right for someone and by what criteria?  We hired Alex Michel, ABC’s original Bachelor, and took these sometimes heated conversations about dating on the road.  It was an eye-opening experience, as dating choices became mainstream conversations in the workplace, among family and neighbors, at parties and at every event I attended with Alex.  We were all dating voyeurs.

The SATC phenomenon ultimately led me to leave Match and help launch Engage.  We built a social dating community at Engage where singles invite friends to help them make romantic connections through  suggestions, voting on possible dates, setting up introductions and post-date debriefings, much as the Sex girls have done over all these years.  Even if most of us can’t afford a pair of Manolos, all of us can benefit from the dating advice and insight of our best friends. 

Aly Walansky wrote more about my SATC experience in her SheKnows blog.   Vote on whether or not you think SATC had a negative influence on women’s lives over at PopSugar. 

See you at the Sex and the City movie! 

Trish McDermott - VP of Love, Engage  

Thanks to everyone who came out on Monday night to Harlot in San Francisco for our Love 2.0 kickoff for Web 2.0 week. Turnout for the event was astounding. Close to 500 people joined us to get social, talk technology, and mingle with elligible singles and their attached matchmaking friends.

Update: Check out bub.blicio.us for great coverage of the soiree — including photos of many of the lovely single people (and their involved friends!) who turned out to make it such a fun night.

Also: See our flickr stream for more pics.

April 10th is our big night out! We’ll be at the Vanguard in Hollywood for “Geek Goes Chic,” a party we’re throwing with the technology bloggers at TechCrunch and the celebrity gossip mavens at PopSugar.

We’ll be showing off the brand new Engage service that we unveiled this week. Have you tried it?

Plus, Alex Michel, the first bachelor from ABC’s “The Bachelor,” and our very own VP of Love, Trish McDermott, will be on hand to help connect the Geeks to the Chic at the event.

Our recent “Romancing the Geek” survey shows that Geeks might inherit the Earth after all, at least in the romantic department. Our survey showed that 82% of people are open to dating a “Geek”, and 72% said they’d be happier in a marriage with a famous Silicon Valley geek than a Hollywood celebrity. Great news for you smart and technology-savvy types!

We’ll share pictures and more party news soon!

Hugs and kisses,

Engage

Hi friends!

Engage made the news today. (Don’t mind if we toot our own horn.) We were featured on Fox’s Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.

M & J ran a great segment that showed how much fun everyone can have when friends and family play matchmaker for each other. The show did a great job showing how friendly matchmakers can weed out fakes and phonies — and make it more fun to connect to new people when you’re single. Well, we knew that. But we love it when others catch on!

Did you see Engage on TV this morning? What did you think?

xo,

Engage

Sometimes it’s a good idea to get involved in your friends’ social lives. Here’s why:

Social dating is a new name for an age-old practice: friends helping friends connect.

That means anyone can hand-pick people for their friends to date — and then watch what happens when they meet!

When you play wingwoman or wingman for your pals you can help them break the ice, offer dating advice, share their excitement when they meet someone new, and gab together about all the possibilities.

Whether you’re involved and you want to give your single friends a nudge to meet new people and see what happens — or you’re single and want a low-pressure, fun way to connect to new people — we think social dating makes finding a relationship fun, real, and like no other online experience.

When you Play Matchmaker^TM you get to connect your friends to people who are worthy of their attention. Plus — let’s be honest — it’s fun to see who your friends are thinking about dating.

Picture yourself at a party. You see a guy or gal across the room. S/he has a quirky grin that makes you think, “Perfect for my best friend M____.”

What’s your next step? Start chatting. Suss out whether this person merits your best pal’s affection. If what you hear sounds promising, you’ll casually mention your super-amazing, brilliant BFF who just happens to be available…

Then, when your BFF happens to walk by, you’ll introduce them. You all start talking. They start laughing. And then at some point you slip away and leave those two wrapped up in engaging conversation.

What happens next is up to them. But you’ll definitely be hearing about it. We get goosebumps just thinking about the possibilities!

Engage’s “Play Matchmaker^TM” features work just the same as this real world scenario, only the fun is multiplied across your entire social network.

With social dating, friends connect through friends they already know.

Today’s busy single people meet new people when they least expect it - at dinner parties, professional events, and friends’ weddings. And more often than not, these chance encounters start with a casual introduction from a mutual friend.

Social dating on Engage brings this playful way of making connections to the Web, together with all of the enjoyment that comes with a friend’s advice, suggestions, good judgment, and experience — so you can have fun exploring an attraction before you move to meeting offline.

Single people multiply their chances to meet someone new.

Engage makes it easy to connect to new people who are once or twice removed from your immediate social circle. That means you’re casting a wider net, but staying within a chain of people who trust each other’s recommendations and taste.

Engage also lets you connect to completely new people that your friends deem worthy for you. You or your matchmaking pals can consult another single person’s matchmaking wingpeople to find out what you have in common. If it seems like you two would be a dynamic duo, your friends can make an introduction that you’ll both welcome!

Everyone has more fun and single people get better results.

Because social dating introductions happen through real people, singles are more likely to hear back from people they’re introduced to — so they can see where an attraction goes and get a definitive outcome, instead of waiting for an email reply that never comes. Engage members are 80% more likely to reply to an email from someone they’ve met through their community, as compared to a stranger. That means less time wasted, more people to discover, and more opportunities for fun.

Social context keep things real.

Whether you meet through friends at a dinner party, connect through an old co-worker, or rediscover each other at a reunion, meeting socially gives you a preview of what someone is really like before you spend any time with that person one-on-one. Why should meeting online be any different?

With social dating on Engage you can get someone’s back story, find out what their friends love about them, and get a full picture of who they are before you decide to introduce them to someone you know or to try to connect to them yourself! Overall it’s more fun for the people who Play Matchmaker^TM and way less pressure for the people who want to date.

So in our humble opinion, it’s all good!

Hugs and kisses,
Engage

Valentine’s Week 2008

Welcome!
It’s Love Week once again. That means close to one billion printed Valentine’s cards will be exchanged. The chocolate industry will have its two biggest days of sales on February 13th and 14th. Consumers will spend an estimated $17 billion celebrating Valentine’s Day with sweet, endearing—and sometimes rather expensive—professions of their love.

What is the Engage State of the Date Report?
Each year during Valentine’s Week, Engage will issue this “State of the Date” report, which details what it’s really like to be single on Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year. This year’s report is the result of analysis of a thirty-seven question survey, administered to a random sample of more than six hundred single adults living in the United States in January 2008. This was not a sample of Engage members, although many singles in the sample group are users of either online dating services or social networks, or both.

In some instances, we’ve included a trend analysis, comparing this year’s data to data from identical questions asked in Engage surveys in prior years. Some results have been cross tabulated with other data points, so we can break out male vs. female responses, or behavioral trends based on age ranges. If you are looking for a data point that isn’t presented in this report, please contact us. We have more data than we’ve presented, and we’re happy to share it.

Because Engage is the Internet’s first social dating community, where friends help their single friends connect and find love, we asked a lot of questions about the roles that technology, online dating, friends and social networking play in our love lives. So: read on. Maybe 2008 will be your year to make a meaningful connection or Play Matchmaker^TM or simply enjoy watching love blossom. It’s all good!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xoxo,

Trish McDermott

Vice President of Love, Engage

What it’s really like to be single in 2008

The Dating Scene
So: what’s it like out there? Possibly boring. Or a bit less fun than married folks may nostalgically remember. In fact, more than half of all singles may not have dated even once in the last six months.

Twenty-two percent of singles can’t remember the last time they went on a date. Another 22 percent went dateless in 2007.

Whether they’ve dated or not in the past year, “confusing,” might be the word that best sums up single life today. For all the “communicating” singles are now doing using the plethora of social media available to them, men and women still aren’t necessarily hearing each other. Most men still think they should pay for the first date, but most women don’t agree. On the other hand, women still expect gentlemanly courtesies such as having the door held open for them.

Fifty-four percent of women think a couple should either go Dutch on a first date, or that the person who initiated the date should pay.

Women are likely to still want a man to demonstrate that he is a gentleman on a date. Fewer men agree that this is a role they should take on a date.

More than half of all women surveyed felt a man should pick the venue for a first date and do the driving. Only 8% of women felt a man should bring a gift on a first date. Women were twice as likely as men to say a man should initiate the first kiss. While twenty-six percent of women felt men should “talk more” on a first date, seventeen percent of men thought men should actually “talk less” on a first date.

Given those mixed social messages, it may not be surprising that honesty also isn’t always the policy in dating today. More than one in four singles think it’s acceptable to tell “little white lies” when dating online. Unfortunately, we’re hearing from singles that the lack of social consequences for dishonesty on most first-generation dating sites has led to inauthentic profiles and some awkwardly awful first dates.

Men are more likely than women to believe “little white lies” have a place in online dating.

Many singles share with us that they are annoyed by the number of married people using social networks and online dating sites to cheat on their spouses.

More than a quarter of singles say a married person contacted them on an online dating service or social network for dating purposes.

Relationship status is not necessarily a barrier to romantic indiscretions. Some singles knowingly dated people last year that most of us would consider “off limits.”

Eleven percent of single men, and the same percentage of single women, admitted to dating someone who was married or in a committed relationship last year.

In spite of the confusion and uncertainty that is part of dating today, singles just keep on keeping on. After all, what other choice do they have? Read on to learn about how singles will continue to hold out hope that they will find love, commit to mastering the dating protocols of new technologies, personally better themselves, and ask for a little friendly intervention in their search for someone special in 2008.

Singles and their search for love in 2008
While almost three quarters of singles are interested in finding love and marriage in the next five years, fewer singles are seeking love and marriage this year than they were in 2006.

Most singles (68%) report they are interested in falling in love and getting married in the next five years. Younger singles (ages 18 – 39) were the most likely to say they were “Extremely interested,” while older singles, (age 50 and above) were the most likely to say they were “Not at all interested.”

Fewer singles report they are interested in love and marriage this year than they did in 2006.

Whether they want to fall in love or not, just under a third of singles report they are not optimistic that they will find the relationship they are seeking this year.

Thirty percent of singles are not optimistic they will find the relationship they are seeking this year. Overall, women surveyed were more optimistic than were men.

Pessimists and optimists share a pragmatic approach to finding someone special: Singles are more likely to think they will meet their future spouse through an introduction from a friend, co-worker, or family member, than through any other means. Men were more likely than women to say they believe they will meet their next partner on a social network or online dating service.

Typical “Other” responses included: Church, Not looking, No idea, Fate or chance encounter, Someone I’m dating now, While traveling, etc.

While some singles are tapping friends for an introduction that might lead to love, others may be finding ways to stay entertained and romantically connected during these long, cold winter months.

Almost one in three singles had a “friend with benefits” in 2007, and 33% reported “hooking up” with someone last year.

Mind Your Social Media Manners
Most singles encountered “good” or even “excellent” behavior while on dates last year.

Men and women both equally reported good behavior from their dates last year, with no significant change from 2006.

That said, some singles were likely to have been unhappy about gossiping taking place on social media, especially public disclosures of their failed romantic relationships.

While technology has created more, and some would say better, ways to make romantic connections, the protocols for using romantic technologies are still evolving.

While few singles think bad romantic news should first be delivered electronically….

More believe good romantic news can first be communicated this way.

Social media can also distract from romantic interactions. Six percent of singles complained that the men and women they dated last year were more into their own social networks than they were into the respondents.

Many dating-related behaviors occurring on social networking sites are perceived as unacceptable by some singles, with women surveyed tending to be more sensitive than men. Two behaviors that were most commonly seen as “crossing the line,” were writing negative material about an ex, and posting about romantic intentions so your network was aware of them before your date or partner.

Respondents were able to select more than one answer for this question.

Some Things Change. Some Things Never Do.

The good news is that chivalry is still very much alive for most singles.

When it comes to their dating lives, women are more likely than men to report that chivalry is dead.

And while some singles have indicated dishonesty is acceptable when dating online, most singles are men and women who say what they do, and do what they say, especially when the say “I’ll call you.”

We were surprised to learn that 49% of women say they never pay for a date!

And that seventy-seven percent of singles felt gay and lesbian couples should have equal rights to marriage!

• Only 38% of singles said they flirted to help themselves meet someone last year.
  
• Only 4% of singles said they expect to meet their future spouse at a bar.
• 31 percent of singles surveyed said they exchange only one email with someone they meet on an online dating service or social network before agreeing to meet face-to-face.
  
• 25% of men, but only 10% of women, say they become sexual with someone after only one or two dates.
  

Conclusions

In many ways, and with a big nod to social technologies, 2008 is a great time to be single. As more and more singles migrate their off-line dating practices to online communities like Engage, they are expecting sites to be more social and to offer experiences that are not only more natural and authentic than first-generation dating sites have typically offered, but also a lot more fun.

While single men and women may never entirely “get” each other, social media, when used with some responsibility and discretion, is helping both genders communicate, listen, learn, and explore what it really means to share ideas and life experiences with someone you may also one day come to love. Of course, you may also one day come to stop loving someone, and not all of us have finessed how to communicate to members of our social network what we’re genuinely feeling about an ex, without violating our ex’s right to privacy, not to mention sanity. Like everyone else, singles are a work in progress.

While it’s fair to say that some singles will try to lie, cheat, and possibly even steal their ways into our hearts, most singles will tell the truth in an online dating profile, call us when they say they will, and show up for a date. Todays singles are good people, hoping to find love, marriage, and their own little piece of happily-ever-after in the next five years. If you’re one of them, you are in some very nice — not to mention highly qualified — company.

We hope to see all 92 million of you on Engage this year. Make connections. Play Matchmaker^tm. It’s all good.

See you online!

Have You Thanked Your Matchmaker Lately?

Fourteen days to Valentine’s Day, and right about this time happy, and not-so-happy, couples, are navigating a media blitzkrieg of rose and champagne reminders of what love and happily-ever-after are supposed to be all about—namely diamonds, if you believe what you see on TV.

Singles, on the other hand, are doing their best to ignore the global mating call to action—the corporately-manufactured drive to fill that empty spot and cross over to the land of the happily-coupled with their future special someone. Someone whom they actually have yet to meet, but should be fully prepared to shop for, all in a matter of days.

At its worst, Valentine’s Day is an unavoidable reminder of the love we may be missing in our lives, or an unhappy obligation to purchase a little peace in our life with our partner. We get it all wrong when we let dollars be the currency of our commitment to each other.

At its best, Valentine’s Day is about small gestures and thoughtful acknowledgments that say, “None of us are in this alone. And all of us are better by virtue of the people who love us, and the people we love.” We get it right when we reach out and connect with these people, even when they aren’t romantic partners.

February 13th is “Thank Your Matchmaker Day”

Look behind half of all couples celebrating Valentine’s Day this year and you’ll find a friend who in some way nudged, cajoled, or meddled (and I mean that in the best possible way) to help that happy couple find each other. Yes, half of all marriages in the United States are the result of someone playing matchmaker for the couple, according to Engage research of more than 1,000 married adults.

As I write this, many thousands of people are using Engage to help their single friends connect with other eligible singles. Friends play matchmaker on Engage, and in the real world, not because they are paid to do so, but because it’s fun and because they care. Matchmakers are the unrecognized masterminds of great dates, love affairs, and marriages. Yet when was the last time any of us took a minute to say “Thanks!”?

Engage first declared February 13, 2006 “Thank Your Matchmaker Day,” in an effort to honor these behind-the-scenes heroes of love. Before any of us celebrate Valentine’s Day, let’s take a moment to thank the intrepid matchmakers who have helped us find love already or who are committed to helping us connect with someone special soon.

While many of us will be thanking female BFFs, sisters, and mothers on February 13th, more and more, men are stepping up to help make love a reality for their friends. On Engage, half of all people playing matchmaker are men—something even we didn’t expect when were building the site.

Famous Couples and the Men Who Played Matchmaker For Them

Joe Simpson, reported to have persuaded Jessica Simpson to dump Nick Lachey two years ago, played matchmaker this year when he introduced his daughter to Dallas Cowboy, Tony Romo. For everyone other than some Cowboys fans, the relationship seems to be working.

Seems like Jessica and Tony are happy they met!

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones should take time on February 13th to thank Antonio Banderas, who introduced the two at a dinner he gave.

Rosie O’Donnell’s brother Daniel O’Donnell deserves kudos for introducing his sister to her life partner, Kelli Carpenter.

Rosie and Kelly met when Rosie’s brother played matchmaker.

Christina Aguilera was introduced to her husband, Jordan Bratman, by her manager, Irving Azoff. Now they have a new baby boy to think Irv for, too!

Christina Aguilera met her hubby through a friend’s introduction.

The Hard Knocks School of Matchmaking

In Chinese, the character that represents “matchmaker” happens to also be a homonym for “bad luck.” That may be one reason why not all matchmaking stories have happy endings — especially for the matchmaker. One professional matchmaker in China was sued when he denied his client’s request for an “Ugly Girl Refund”. The courts eventually ruled that the matchmaker had to return half of the fee he had collected from his client’s mother.

An old custom in China had brides crying and yelling during their weddings. Apparently the idea was to make false claims of grievances and sorrows, which would in turn guarantee marital bliss. But sometimes, the grievances and sorrows were actually true. Some brides publicly cried about and cursed their matchmakers, during their weddings, especially when they had little say in their choice of groom.

Every tear shed over an unfortunate match can be trumped by a true love story, inspired by a friend’s human intuition and gut feelings about how two people just might pair up. Although NY Times reporter John Tierney wrote this week about the “algorithms of love” social scientists are peddling on some leading dating sites, it shouldn’t take an advanced degree or fancy mathematics to sense that two people might be right for each other, or to do a good deed. Tierney would like to hear your online matchmaking success story.

We’d prefer to watch you thank the matchmakers in your life. Just add your video to our collection of “thank you” messages on our Thank Your Matchmaker YouTube group. While you’re at it, pay you matchmaker’s good deeds forward by playing matchmaker for singles you know. You might forever change two lives.

On a personal note: Marion, thanks for helping me find the love of my life. I promise you’ll never hear me cry, complain, or swear about that!

Trish McDermott
VP of Love, Engage